Dating guide for the care and maintenance of your PHPB player.

A guide for those people who are considering
dating/living with/marrying a member of the Perth Highland Pipe Band.

1. Introduction

Perth Highland Bandsmen (hereafter known as bandsmen) are becoming popular the world over with women seeking a relationship.
They are undergoing an upswing in popularity due to Malcolm MacLean's Christmas and Jakarta Highland Gathering videos, the band website, and for their public appearances in parades and competitions. Many women see a bandsman and just want one, or a friend gets one and thinks they too would like to have one. Being in a relationship with a bandsman can be a very rewarding experience but a bandsman is not for everybody and they do require a lot of care and attention. There is nothing worse than a bandsman who has been dumped by a woman who rushed into picking one up at a nightclub and then did not care for it. This information is provided for women who think they might want a bandsman or have just got one and need advice on care and maintenance. There is no perfect partner for a bandsman and people do have relationships with them without meeting every criterion.

2. Is a Bandsman the right partner for me?

Even the most experienced and dedicated band wives will tell you that their little gems have some difficult attributes! They require dedication and patience. A band partner should be able to cope not only with their bandsman but large numbers of other bandsmen that can congregate around their house. Bandsmen come with lots of equipment which gets scattered around the house and car so a partner has to be patient and organised to ensure that this gear is where he needs it when he needs it. Frequently you will have to sort gear that belongs to other bandsmen and you should be able to recognise this gear and see it gets to its rightful owner. A bandsman's partner will usually have a spare room or two dedicated to this equipment. It goes without saying that this gear needs to be transported. A large car and a driver's licence are essential. A most prized attribute would be a bus driver's licence so you can drive the whole band on their country trips. A good sense of humour comes in handy because the little cuties love to get up to mischief when they are together and there is alcohol involved, and there is always alcohol involved. A good band partner thinks Jakarta annecdotes are hilarious even after hearing them for the one thousandth time. She delights in bodily functions and discussions thereof. She finds the buttocks of other bandsmen very pretty especially when stuck out of a window at her after she has picked up the bleeding inebriated mess that she lives with. Laugh? She cacks herself!

It can be lonely too. The frequent travelling means that the bandsman's partner has to put plans for that romantic trip away on hold as the bandsman buggers off to Jakarta for an endless round of embassy parties and nightclub crawls with women who put out for money. The bandsman is a very dedicated artist who would much rather go on a 800km bus trip to 'perform' than spend time with you and the baby. When he returns he is usually 'emotionally drained' and needs care. So do his fellow bandsmen who come home with him and for some inexplicable reason happen to be single.

3. Feeding the bandsman

Diet is important. Experts recommend Emu Bitter and Guinness. For solids, curries are popular, also barbecues (steak and sausages). Some bandsmen enjoy haute cuisine and fine wines but not around other bandsmen.

4. Grooming

This can be time consuming as there are lots of bits and pieces that need wrangling and cleaning. One the positive side, a bandsman rarely wears underwear so that is one less thing to worry about.

5. Piper or Drummer?

This very much depends on the personal view of the individual. Drummers require more space for equipment but will not disrupt home life as they never practice. They also do not have to turn up early on parades for tuning and this can give you more time together. Pipers have greater earning potential as they get cash for solo gigs. This has an indirect benefit to the bandsman's partner as the piper generally will keep that money for piss drinking and will not hit you for a loan for a few days afterwards. In addition to extra turnouts they have to arrive earlier to tune up. Some pipers have been known to practice their pipes in between band practices but this is a rare affliction and can be checked for before purchase.

6. Puppy or Adult?

This is a difficult one. The Perth Highland is fortunate to have a reasonably steady supply of rosy cheeked virgins coming through from Scotch College Pipe Band. They can be very sweet but like all puppies there can be accidents, patience and a lot of love is required. Some women always go for the young bandsman feeling that they can train him, this is a very risky course to take and results can be very disappointing. While it is true that there are no noticable behavioral differences between the 47 year old and the 17 year old bandsman (they all act 16 years old), partners of the older bandsman may notice that they create a little bit less mess and require less exercise. Young rosy cheeked virgins and other younger adult bandsmen can be very boisterous and do not seem to ever want to come home. A good rule of thumb is to look for a bandsman roughly your age.

8. Do they make a mess?

Yes, I am afraid they do. Sometimes it is really bad. See 9 below.

9. Are they prone to illness?

Yes, I am afraid they often pick up viruses when they travel. Symptoms include loss of coordination leading to nausea (or worse after Jakarta trips). Severe headaches and inability to handle light follow these symptoms. With care and nursing this passes until next time.

10. What about obedience training?

As a rule I have to advise against this. The bandsman in a domestic environment takes a lot of careful handling. For example, the wife of  third generation bandsman has done a lot of developmental work in this area. This wife reports that intensive training over a long period of time has led to some limited success in the domestic environment. Her specimen, has managed to gain some rudimentary skills that he seems willing to use when at home and away from all other bandsmen. She acknowledges, however, that all her work appears to come nought when her specimen mixes with other bandsmen. The specimen reverts in a matter of minutes back to the natural state of a bandsman when put into a kilt and sent out the front door. Her noble work continues as she has successfully bred from her bandsman. It is early days with her young son but indications are that the bloodlines are strong and she will need to release him into his natural habitat, the Perth Highland Pipe Band in the future. It would be cruel to do otherwise. Band partners can be encouraged by her success but a note of caution needs to be raised here. Some experts claim that domestically trained bandsmen, when released for a weekend back to their natural habitat and away from the domesticating influences of their partner often not only revert to their wild state but actually OVER COMPENSATE.

11. How do I meet one?

Made it so far and still interested? It is time to talk to breeders. Well it is easy to get in touch with a bandsman as they have their website (which you are reading) and contact details are available there. Attend a turnout and perhaps talk to some women who have band partners. They are aware of who is currently single and who isn't. Don't make the mistake of asking who the gorgeous hunk standing over there is - it might be their husband or partner and depending on how long they have been waiting around and what he has been up to they might reply with something along the lines of "Why don't you take the drunken shithead home then ". Band partners can be mischievous too.

12. How to catch your bandsman

Choosing a bandsman isn't easy to decide, they are all so adorable, but once you do choose a bandsman you like your troubles aren't over. You must be patient and willing to wait. Some women are encouraged by a very quick courtship only to to find their bandsman escapes the next morning and leaves town back to Perth on the bus. The Bandsman is an elusive quarry, they seem so simple and yet are so complex. Such is the artistic temperment of the Perth Highland Thoroughbred. For starters it is very difficult to seperate one from the pack. They have very powerful herding instincts and if a bandsman senses a predator moving in on a band member he will warn the herd with a witty riposte along the lines of "Hey X, I think the slapper over there is after you" This can be a bit disconcerting for a woman, but do not despair. Your prey will check you out and irrespective of whether or not likes you he will turn away whisper something to a fellow bandsman and they will both laugh out loud causing you more discomfort. Now the chase starts to get a bit tricky. If you persevere and show yourself to be an incredibly attractive good sport who does not drink but loves people who do and who's hobbies include driving long distances and spending weekends by yourself or occasionally with your partner and 16 other clones who ignore you, then you will get your very own bandsman eventually. The joys over having a bandsman in your life open up before you.

Good luck!

Guide written by
James Hamilton