Joke page

Q: What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A: No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.

Q: Why do drummers leave their sticks on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in handicapped zones.

Q: What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

Q: What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
A: Drool.

Q: Why did the drum major cross the road?
A: To get further away from the pipers tuning up.

Q: How many drum sergeants does it take to change a light globe?
A: Have you ever tried to get a drum sergeant to change anything?

Q: How many bagpipers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Five... One to do it, and four to criticise his fingering style.

Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to handle the bulb, the other four to tell him how much better it was done in the old days.

Q: How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?
A: He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.

Q: How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A: You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.

Q: What's the difference between the Great Highland and Northumbrian bagpipes?
A: The GHB burns longer [but the Northumbrian burns hotter]

Q: What's the definition of a minor second?
A: Two bagpipes playing in unison.

Q: What's the difference between a lawnmower and a bagpipe?
A: You can tune the lawnmower, and the owner's neighbors are upset if you borrow the lawnmower and don't return it.

Q: If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune bagpipe player, an out-of-tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus?
A: The out-of-tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating.

Q: How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe?
A: Add vibrato.

Q: What's the definition of a gentleman?
A: Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn't.

Q: What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead bagpiper in the road?
A: Skid marks in front of the snake.

Q: What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
A: The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.

Q: What's the definition of a quarter tone?
A: A bagpiper tuning his drones.

Q: Why are drummers' sticks like lightning?
A: They rarely strike the same spot twice.

Q: How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
A: Someone is blowing into it.

Q: What do bagpipers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: How do you know if a bagpipe band is at your front door?
A: No one knows when to come in.

Q: If you drop a bagpipe and a watermelon off a tall building, which will hit the ground first?
A: Who cares?

Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A: To get away from the sound.

Q.  How do you get two bagpipes to play a perfect unison? 
A. Shoot one.

Tom: "Hey, Buddy. How late does the bagpipe band play?"
Buddy: "Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer."
 
Q: Why is a fifty cent piece shaped that way?
A: So you can get it out of a Scotsman's hand with a spanner.

Q: How was copper wire invented?
A: Two Scots fighting over a one cent coin.

Phil, Aiton and Mike were discussing their marital woes at the pub.
"I think my wife is having an affair with a mechanic" said Phil. "Why?" asked the other two. "I looked under the bed the other day and found a pair of overalls, a spanner and socket wrench" replied Phil despondently.
"I think my wife's having an affair with a bricklayer" volunteered Aiton. "Why?" asked the other two. "I looked under the bed the other day and found a trowel and a mortar board" he choked. "Gee" they all sighed.
Mike thought for a minute then said "Well, my wife is having an affair with a bagpipe". "What?" exclaimed the other two. "Yeah, I looked under the bed the other day and found a piper".